(Tomado de un email enviado por mi el 13 de mayo del 2007 a un creyente)
I really don't know, I was a student of a catholic school I was so into it I had some great moral values for a kid my age and I did everything for God then I started to doubt the church, and started to wonder what if God was not real, but I still believed: blind faith.
I remember that in my childhood I thought to myself you be a good person and I couldn't understand when somebody did something wrong cause obviously it would lead them to fall from the grace of God. I thought miracles were nonsense it would be a cheap way for God to get fans.It just came a time when I realized that being a good person was all that matters not going to church not praying to God or angels. I though it was selfish for God to create us just to never feel lonely again and thought well none of this matters, God will understand. Why will god make us so imperfect that we will fail and go to hell for an eternal suffering, should we fear God and hell to behave. And why is the virgin a virgin and why should sex be condemned with that and why should Jesus heal blind men why weren't they ok from the start. So I thought it was selfish for us to want to live forever, like those moments in your life when you think that living is so great and that moment is worthy everything that has ever happened to you before and after. I thought of evolution and everything as a masterplan of God and everything.
Then I started to treat God not a as an actual being but as a force of meaning and good in the universe. I thought that everybody's religions couldn't be wrong like Buddhists and Mayans and tribes in Africa and all that they believed in. They were just the same as us and we the same as them. It just came a moment that my mind neglected the Idea of God, it was just meaningless to my heart and mind even if I tried to believe. And I really started to feel comfortable around the idea. Yet there are times when I wish I could believe because everything would seem easier. But it's not.
Life seems much greater when you realize it's momentary, but your moment was your moment is and will be forever just as you're right now and if you do good you'll feel your moment is worth living. In a way that's an eternal life. Just being conscious of yourself will do, forever.
I don't mean at all that is the final truth not even to me, sometimes and worse in the hard times you go anywhere and believe anything just to get through. I miss talking to God so much really, he's still here in my mind and I do talk to him but seldom times. I just can't believe he actually exists I think his existence makes our existence, as selfish as it sounds, selfish.
Hope you can give me some insight or something please. Thanks for reading